Settled Dust
by WrittenOnTheSubwayWalls
Summary: "Ain't this familiar?" Raph looked up, bloodied hand still covering his face. "What's it gonna be? You lookin' for a rematch, brave and wise leader?" Unresolved tension between two brothers comes to a head in a crumbling office building, on a dark and stormy night. Post-2007 RaphAngst
1. Part 1

_Disclaimer: This piece is a work of fanfiction/I do not own TMNT_

A/N: 2007 Turtles. Raph's darker thoughts about his brother Leo. This short story will be in two parts. It takes place after the events in the 2007 film.  
Warnings: swearing

 ** _Settled Dust  
_**

 ** _Part 1_**

* * *

 _Rattle.  
Howl.  
Thunder._

The damaged walls surrounding him wailed and moaned . The dust was like smoke that made the air thick and hard to breathe, little particles visibly falling from the ceiling and rising from the floor with every careless shuffle of his feet.

The building was condemned, that was obvious. Printer paper scattered the floor, abandoned desks and stacked chairs lined the walls, and the faint smell of mold was present by the broken windows. Raph stepped further into the room, glass crunching under his feet. Outside the ramshackle walls, rain was coming down in buckets. The high winds blew cold water in behind him, creating a puddle that mixed with collecting dirt and dust. It was a chilly night, Autumn in New York, and he felt the cold in every bone of his body.

"Fuck." he cursed and rubbed his arm across his damp face. The rain water had drenched him, not an inch of him didn't feel like he had just crawled out of a cold shower

This place... It hadn't been his first choice of a rain shelter, but the other was littered with cops. A drug bust or something. He didn't know.

As for going home- HA! Well, that was out. He didn't leave on good terms and he didn't dare go back. Nah, not yet. He needed to cool down. Of course, the "cooling down" idea seemed ridiculous now that he was topside, dripping head to toe, and shivering like a goddamn dog

A COLD dog.

But the cold was the least of his problems. Things weren't alright here... with him.  
Things, family things, were all messed up and it was his fault-

"Eh, my fault?" Raph rolled his shoulders irritably. "No." No, not completely anyway. Things were messed up and it was _Mmmmshhhhh 70_ % his fault?

80%?

Maybe 90?

Shit. "Oh man." Now he was starting to sound like Don.  
Well, he could live with that. He could handle being a little more like Mr. Brain-iac once in a while. Donnie was always fair. Donnie let him be, he saw the signs. Donnie understood him. Donnie never made him feel worthless.

It was **Leo** whom Raph couldn't stand.

 _"Yeah, I noticed you got quite a temper"_

Mikey was fine enough, that nutcase. Sometimes the little runt dug around in his business, but a good few beatings showed that prankster exactly where Raph's line was. He wouldn't forget that Michelangelo could make him smile on a good day.

 _"Risking the safety of our family? Come On! What were you thinking?"_

Master Splinter understood him too, but not the same way Donnie and Mikey did. Sometimes it felt like his sensei was tolerating him, kind of like he tolerates Mikey; the difference between Mikey and Raph being that Mikey was air-headed and annoyingly oblivious, Raph was dangerous, rebellious, outspoken, hotheaded... you name it-he'll admit it.

And then there was his oldest brother,

 _You're impatient and hot-tempered..."_

The fearless leader.

 _"And most importantly,"_

Splinter's favorite.

 _"I'm better than you."_

His fist collided with the wall beside him, breaking through the plaster and hitting the metal beam behind it.

"DAMMIT!" For years he'd tried being all those things his father favored in his "perfect" older brother, only to have royally fucked up and been looked at, once again, like he was the loose-cannon, the unstable fire cracker, the problem.

He punched the wall again and again until his fist was sticky and the walls hummed in warning. Dust heavily fell from the ceiling

The foundation quaked,

 **Control yourself. Control...**

The scene he and Leo had made on the roof that night was not so lost on Splinter, Raph was sure. Raph hadn't been entirely truthful when explaining and Splinter never questioned... Still, the old rat knew what had happened, why they'd gone topside to fight those monsters to begin with-  
Not to save the world... not entirely.

To save Leonardo.

"And why did _Fearless_ need savin'?" He grumbled to the quiet around him.

The answer was simple.

 **"** Because of **_you_."**

Had Leo been right? Was he a danger to the team?

A danger to the family?

Leo never spoke to him about the run-in with the Nightwatcher, in fact he didn't care to speak to Raph about that night at all. The red-banded ninja tried once or twice to bring it up, if only to make a small attempt at an apology, but Leo would pick a fight and interrupt Raph before he could even get the words out.

The rain picked up. Heavy water thundered against the glass and lightening lit up the sky, momentarily illuminating his dark rundown hiding space.

The noise mocked him, it laughed, it cackled! It sneered and jeered and made him hate himself more with every passing moment. Every memory of their fight, every step, every swing danced before him like some sick ass ballet that he was being forced to watch again and again and again and again-

And Leo,

Raph chuckled into the dusty air.

Leo, again, had come out on top. He was the hero, the leader, perfection! And Raph was- What? The second rate? The anti-hero? The rebel that had to be reminded of his place, and who screwed up so badly it nearly cost him his family?

But no... wait... Raph _had_ made an effort to be a better team player. He thought about it every day! He tried every time they went topside to blend instead of rashly act! And while he worked to improve his demons,

His arrogant prick of an older brother hadn't changed one bit.

"Hn." The ninja turned his head up to the cracked ceiling, a small curve at the edge of his mouth. Against his saner mind, he found himself wondering,

What if he had done it?

What if he had run him through and watched his brother die. What if he had stuck his sai straight through Leo's smug-ugly-heart with such force that the tip imbedded into the cement under his back? How would they all react? Hm?  
Donnie and Mikey would hate him, of course, demand to know why and then never speak a word to him again. Master Splinter might even go as far as to kill Raphael after having lost his perfect little student, his fucking little favorite, and at the hands of the family's black sheep. His dark victory wouldn't have lasted very long, there were so many downsides. He could just imagine that damned smirk watching him from a shitty golden cloud, laughing as Raph's soul was pulled down to wherever the fuck he'd be sent to after his last breath.

But he hadn't killed him. He couldn't... WOULDN'T

He hated Leo. HATED HIM. The jerk was his brother, and Raph loved him, but the fact remained that Raphael absolutely, positively, undeniably HATED Leonardo. It didn't quite make sense, he'll agree, but hating a family member isn't exactly as easy and snipping them out of your life and forgetting they ever existed.

After all, he'd already tried that once...

"Raph?"

And Ol' Fearless came back.

"Raph." Leo sighed. " _God_ , what the are you doing in here? This place looks like it's about to collapse!"

Taken off guard, Raph had visibly jumped at the sound of his name. He couldn't turn to face him. He'd punch him. He'd attack- He could feel the muscles in his arms tense, his twitching fingers brushing against the sais waiting ever so patiently in his belt.

"What're you doin' here, Leo?" He grumbled, facing a stack of old rotting chairs. Behind him, Leo seemed to be catching his breath. - _the hell_? Did he run here?

A crunch of glass, a single cough, and his brother replied "I followed you."

The turtle's lip curled. "Followed me, huh?"

"We need to talk."

Raph barked out a laugh and wiped a hand down his damp face. "Well, congratulations! You got yourself a captive audience." He gestured to the downpour and lightening. "Followed me all the way out here in a fuckin' hurricane just to talk, jungle boy?" he feigned a pout. "Was big brotha' worried?"

"Yes." Leo replied as if the comment wasn't meant to be biting.

Raph tilted his head, taking in his brother's shadow. There was no ill in his voice at all, to his suprise. Considering Raph had stormed out while Leo was yelling at him earlier, the lightness in his brother's tone was in fact annoyingly soothing. It was friendly and calm and... not condescending. The hot-head recognized it as the tone Leo usually saved for Mikey (in Mikey's better moments) or for Don on special occasions. As a young turtle, he remembered going out of his way sometimes to hear that motherly side of his oldest brother. It was so unlike Leonardo's usual high and mighty self... he was a little embarrassed just thinking about how much he'd craved the older ninja's attention back then.

As time went on, however, Raph had realized that the tone was manipulative. Leo wanted him to calm down and forget his anger. He wanted the sai wielding turtle to come home and regroup so the cycle could begin again. Leo would ignore him for a good week, keep his distance until there was a mission, and then start chipping away at Raph's sanity once more.

It was almost worse than constant torment.

He'd let his guard down and be hurt all over again,

But not this time.

" _Well?_ Let's hear it, Fearless." Leo's heavy breathing ceased. Maybe it surprised his brother, being called "fearless" again. Over time it had become Raph's cruel name for him. The single word bled cold mockery and it had been a long time since Raph had let the name fall from his lips. Its retirement was not because they'd gotten along so well Raph hadn't found use for it, but because the word reminded them both of _that night_.

"Are you _serious?"_ Leo snorted. "What is it now, Raph? Let me guess," The crunch of glass was barely heard above the storm as he stepped even closer to the younger turtle's back. " _Poor_ Raphael. Nobody understands you. Everyone tells you what to do. Everyone's out to get you-"

"Watch it, Leo..." His fists clenched and he whipped around, locking eyes with the other turtle. Leo was closer than he thought, standing only about three feet away. The master ninja had one hand on his katana.

Above their heads, the ceiling creaked.

"No, you watch it." Leo spat. "You're attitude is out of control. We're supposed to be a team! And instead of talking this out, you run away like a coward-"

"A _coward_?" Raph shouted over the rain. "I tried to talk this out, you son of a bitch! It's YOU who only wants to talk about how _I'm_ the screw up and _I'm_ the problem! WHAT ABOUT YOU?" Raph took a step back. He wasn't a coward. He wasn't intimidated by his brother at all, _dammit_! He just needed some fucking space!

"Oh! So sorry if I, the lowly Leonardo," The turtle bowed his head in derision. "told the great Raphael that he was wrong. How dare I comment on the fact that _you_ were the reason Donnie almost fell into a vat of liquid metal."

"That's not what happened, and you know it!" Raph reclaimed his step and took two more so that his face was inches away from his brother's.

"Back down, Raphael **.** "

"I'd never hurt Don!" Raph was screaming now. His tired eyes stung with angry tears, but he'd be damned if he let them fall. He knew the truth. He wasn't a danger to his brothers! "I had it under control, you piece of shit! **_I_** was under control! It's _you_ who can't treat anyone with respect and have the _nerve_ to demand respect from us in return!" _Fuck this!_ He was sick of yelling, he was sick of defending himself... most importantly, he was sick of Leo and his damned superiority complex.

Just as his brother opened his mouth to reply, Raph gave in to his own burning need to reclaim his personal space. Planting his feet and reaching his hands out in front of him, he pushed hard against Leo's chest, nearly toppling himself with the force he put into it.  
Of course, being the smug ass ninja he'd always known him to be, Leo had not been taken too off guard by the assault, only stumbling backwards a few steps. His hand automatically reached for his weapon, Raph noticed, and in one, swift, angry movement his older brother had given him a left hook to the face and shoved him in the gut with the grip of his katana

Raphael gasped and gracelessly doubled over holding a three-fingered hand over his bleeding mouth, the other clutching his middle.

 _"shhhfffuck!_ You bastahd," Ok, w _asn't_ expecting that. Damn, that was embarrassing... One hit and you're on your ass, Raphie-boy? The thought made him want to spring to his feet, but SHIT god he felt like puking!

Above him, Leo stared. His eyes darted from his own hand back to the turtle sprawled below him.

Second thoughts, Leo? You sick _martyr_.

And the younger guaranteed it wasn't the sight of blood dripping from his mouth or the sound of him struggling to get air back in his lungs that made the slighter turtle instantly regret his actions. _Pff!_ Raph knew his brother better than anyone. Leonardo was mean... meaner that anyone ever gave him credit for, their fucking _hero_.

No, Fearless was just upset that he'd been caught losing control... just like he had that night on the roof.

* * *

A/N: to be continued ;)


	2. Part 2

_Disclaimer: Fanfiction. I do not own tmnt_

A/N: Thank you for reading.

 **Settled Dust**

 _ **Part 2  
**_

* * *

...

 _Impatient_

 _Hot-tempered_

Outside, the storm was nowhere near slowing down. What time was it anyway? Two? Three in the morning? Hopefully it'd stop soon, the puddle on the floor by the windows was gradually becoming a lake.  
Whatever, not that it mattered as much as the problem at hand. He wasn't going to let Leo get away with trying knocking the teeth out of him, that's for sure.

"Heh..." Raph spat blood into the dust. In the shadows it looked black as ink, spreading and making a mess on the tiles under his hand "Ain't this familiar?" Raph looked up, bloodied hand dropping from his face as he gave his brother a red smile. Leo's eyes widened.

"What's it gonna be?" Raph spat again and began to rise. "You lookin' for a rematch _,_ brave and wise _leader_?"

Stricken, Leo opened and closed his mouth like a baffled three-year-old.

"No."

"No?" The younger turtle hooted.

Fearless shook his head, clearly disturbed by the other's smile. "Look, Raph," he sighed "I shouldn't have- Splinter didn't send me after you to-."

Sent?

 _SENT?_

"OH HO! Splinter sent ya?" OH! Now Raph _DID_ laugh. He laughed so hard he fell back on his ass again, letting Leo soak up the hysterics from his view above.

That was too rich! Good try, Splinter. Making him believe it had been Leo's idea to follow him here? Following because big brother cared about him? That Leo had truly been concerned? All that fake gentle and calm to get him back to the lair? He should've known. No wonder the jerk cracked so easily! He was still pissed about the fight! Leo didn't _want_ to make up! But he'd be a good little junior and follow daddy's orders right up until the family rebel got in his face, NO! Couldn't stand for that! Raphael had a fuckin' _PLACE_ , didn't he?

The emerald turtle continued to laugh.

"Stop it." Leo snapped. "Enough! What's wrong with you **\- "  
**

 _ **RRRuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrkkkkkkkkkkshhhh**_

Raph's laughter died, his facing turning up towards the ceiling. Whatever that noise was, it didn't sound good. The walls behind him vibrated and howled in warning. _No no no_ not good at all.

Just above their heads, a tiny crack had grown into a destructive line going from one side of the room to the other. The vibrations quickly added to the distress. Dust and debris broke free from the crevasse and coated the space. In the harsh stormy wind, the building wailed with a noise loud enough to deafen them both.

"Raph..." his brother whispered, crouching down and eyeing the walls.

"Yeah, I hear it."

"Give me your hand," Leo reached out to his younger brother only to be harshly slapped away.

"I don't need your damn help!" He shouted. Leo frowned and leaned back, the look on his face somewhere between guilt and irritation.

"Hurry, then. I don't think this place is gonna hold up much longer"

"Then leave."

His brother blinked, double-taking before hissing "This is serious, Raph."

"I _said_ I don't need ya." Was his own pissy reply. He felt sick. Achy sick. PUKEY sick. Usually he could take a hit to the middle, but dammit! The older turtle had gotten him good. Always knew right where to hit him, it seemed.

"Please..." Over the noise, Leo's voice had reversed back to its previous gentle prodding. Not begging... never begging. Leo never begged.

The Sai wielding brother dropped his head and growled at the mess around him. Dizzy. He felt fucking dizzy and it didn't look like he had much of a choice...

Well Fine. Let Leo be the hero. Let him drag Raph home and _once again_ be seen as the perfect sibling... perfect son! Their _loving_ little savior.

Angrily, the younger brother reached out his hand, " _Tfff_ whatever-" This wouldn't change anything. Just wait till Fearless got him home. He'd make the prick wish he'd never been bor- **_"SHIT!"_ **

Before Raphael's hand could even touch Leo's fingertips, a large metal beam gave way and crashed thunderously down through the ceiling beside the turtle's body. The sound it made was absolutely horrifying, screaming metal and falling wood and plaster mixed with the rain and thunder. He instinctively scrambled back, but the beam broke through the floor with unimaginable force, dragging wires, plaster, and tile down with it.

"RAPH!"

The walls on either end of the room cracked as the beam continued its destructive journey to the floor below them, taking out another vertical beam on its way. Sparks and dust created a dark fog, making the already unlit room in the middle of the night pitch black.

"Raphael! Your hand!" His brother cried out from the darkness.

"No. NO!" Raph desperately clawed at the rubble. It was sucking him down like quicksand, catching one of his legs and nearly crushing it. A spark flashed in his face and something solid smashed _hard_ into his side. It happened so fast... he didn't have the time to scream.

"RAPHAEL!"

He bit his already bleeding lip and continued to kick and claw, holding for dear life onto the leg of an old desk that had found itself pinned between the cracked floor and the dropped wires of the next ceiling. The pain was unbearable, his stomach lurched, his world swam, but suddenly arms were around him holding him in place. A hand clamped around the back of his neck shook him, sliding across his face and tapping his jaw.

"Raphael? Raph? Bro, can you hear me?..."

 _"...Raph?"_

 _..._ _His sai embedded itself into his older brothers left bicep. Dark blood pumped and bubbled up around the metal as Leo let out a howl that made Raphael freeze. His mind blanked and, for a couple of seconds, all Raph saw was the wound. He let go of the handle and stared, his face scrunching up in confusion. Had that really been him? Did he just...? But the building... When?  
_

 _Time to reflect was over as a powerful kick smashed into the younger turtle's rib cage. He was thrown back with the force of it, landing on his shell a good ten feet away from his bleeding brother. Raph wrapped his hand around his suit, feeling the dent that was now pressing into his side. Taking a few breaths to steady the pain, Raph lifted his head to where the blue-banded turtle was pushing himself up on his knees, his right hand pulling at the slick silver under his collar bone._

 _"You bastard" Leo gasped, still pulling. That was a new one. Leo never swore... never swore 'cause it wasn't something daddy would be proud of. "Y-You sickAHHH! ffff-Mmmrrr-You unimaginable-"_

 _He couldn't bring himself to move, to speak, to help, to do anything but watch in horrifying silence as his older sibling yanked the sai from his chest and flicked his right hand out before him, spraying flecks of red across the rooftop._

 _"You'd kill me without a second thought." He hissed between clenched teeth. "Your own brother, Raphael?"_

 _His mouth opened and closed like a drooling toddler. "No!" he wanted to protest. "Of course not!" He wanted to scream, but how could he defend himself? How could he possibly make what had just happened between them right again? He hurt Leo. He hurt his oldest brother. Not a slice or a punch or a concussion, no... He'd stabbed him. Stabbed Leo! The fuck had he been thinking? What had come over him? This couldn't be real!  
_

 _Sure he'd been mad, but for an argument to get this out of hand wasn't something Raph could've thought up in his dizziest nightmares. He wanted to puke at the sight of the blood... that hole in Leo's body, the blood on the ground, the cold night air, the anger, the hate, the monster, the bad guy, the murderer, the psychopath, the- the... the-_

 _"Raph. Please, open your eyes."_

 _His world tilted. The scene in front of his eyes darkening around the edges and being blurred by black dots that slowly faded into the picture._

 _"Raphael," He heard, muffled under the sound of his own erratic breathing. "This was my fault. I shouldn't have- I can't call Donnie. I lost the cell. Please, wake up"  
_

 _Yes, yes, he had stabbed his own brother. How could he? What had he done? What would his father think? What would his brothers say? Leo would never forgive him. What if he was as crazy as they all said? He was scared! He was dizzy! He was too warm and too cold and freaking the fuck out!_

 _"Raph?" He heard his brother again, but didn't see him. He couldn't see anything. Just felt the world collapse under him, his legs giving out, and the sway of his stomach_

 _"...RAPH!"_

"Raph! Hey!" A heavy hand pushed on his plastron. Holding him down. His eyes snapped open, a world of blurry blobs coming into focus.

Leo.

"Hey hey, easy. You're alright." The older turtle soothed, squeezing his brother's shoulders so tightly Raph thought they'd break. "How are you feeling?"

 _"How do you THINK I'm feeling?!"_ He wanted to respond, but instead swallowed the bile rising up in his throat and shook his head. He was outside, obviously. The rain was still coming down pretty hard, soaking his mask and stinging his eyes. Above him, much to his slight relief, was a very healthy, non-stabbed, but worried looking Leonardo. The older turtle had him lying down, the top half of his shell settled neatly across Leo's lap.

"Ugh!" Raph sneered and pushed to sit himself up. "Like your damn damsel in distress," He coughed.

"Easy, tough guy'." His brother smirked and nodded to the red and blue lights below. "Busy night for them."

"Yeah? " Raph pushed and crawled away from his brother's arms, standing and leaning over the metal railing to watch the fire trucks create a barricade around the condemned building. He wanted so badly to puke... Anything to get rid of the twist in his gut and the ache in his side. Why couldn't the earth hold still for three seconds?! Figures. Nothing tonight had been going his way. Waking up in his brothers arms? Could this night get any worse? He'd passed out... Passed out like a little cowardly girl and it embarrassed him!

Leo must've found a way to get him out of there. They were seated on a fire escape, six or seven stories up, a few buildings over from the old collapsing office. Sirens blared and a small crowd gathered around the police cars below, curiosity getting the better of them as they stood out in the pouring rain to watch the fiasco.

Behind him, Fearless cleared his throat.

"They'll wake up the entire street. We'd better move out."

a moment later he pressed "Raph?"

" _Yeaah_ , I heard ya, douchebag." Just because they lost their playground, didn't mean the fight was over.

Another few minutes ticked by before Fearless sighed and stood beside his brother, his eyes focused on the blue and red lights below. "I'm sorry... for what I did to you. There was no excuse for it."

Raph said nothing, glancing over at his brother's furrowed brow.

"I'd lost control." The master ninja let out a huff of air into the chilly rain. "I felt and I acted, but, I swear, whatever that was, whatever I thought I was achieving back there by attacking you, it was a mistake." Raph's eyes widened. "I don't want a rematch with the Nightwatcher. I don't want to even look back at that night with any thought other than _a mistake_. No apologies, no what ifs, no rematches and hostility... And you _have_ been trying. You _have_ been better about your anger... I know how hard it can be. Tonight's proof! I'm _not_ perfect."

There was a pause, and Leo continued "I care about my brothers. I love every single one of you, even Mikey." There was supposed to be humor there, but it died, falling flat and doing nothing to cut the thick tension of the moment. Raph's fists clenched and unclenched, his jaw set like stone. Leo could talk all he wanted... it meant nothing. He knew the truth. He wouldn't be fooled ag-

"Raphael," Raph jumped at the touch on his upper arm, a light squeeze from his brother's hand . "I don't want this to come between us anymore... Brother."

He didn't believe him. He wanted to, but... There was too much between them now. They were on this never ending roller-coaster ride, the two of them. They'll never see completely eye to eye and they'll never stop trying to get at each other's throats.

But he could pretend, for another day at least,

"Me neither."

that everything between them would be ok.


End file.
